2008

Dating and Courtship

God’s Way

BY DAVID C. PACK

Countless millions of shattered families began with wrong dating habits. These habits made proper courtship impossible. And the results have been tragic. The almost universal effects of modern dating demonstrate widespread ignorance, even on the most basic points of right dating. Almost no one understands the real purpose of dating or of the courtship that can ensue. The next step, achieving a happy marriage, then also becomes impossible. There is a right way to date! What is it? And there are right and wrong people to date. How can you know the difference? It is time to unlearn the wrong principles, acquired from society—and to learn and apply God’s true principles, leading to happy marriages and families! Presenting God’s perspective, this book reveals those principles.

Video Introduction from the Author (3:15)

INTRODUCTION

The world is ignorant of almost every right value that produces the right results all people seek. While everyone wants to be happy—and assumes that following the established norm is the right way to achieve happiness—most remain miserable and never know why. This is especially true in the world of modern dating.

Dating, followed by courtship, is supposed to lead to a happy marriage. But marriage cannot be happy if it is not built on the right foundation. Most couples have no idea that the foundation of a successful marriage begins long before the wedding day. In addition, a direct by-product of the wrong foundation is that most people have no idea how to select the right mate.

Just what is dating? A sampling of opinions reveals a variety of definitions, with seemingly no two alike. In the simplest form, a date is merely a set time agreed upon by two people to engage in an activity. The most commonly recognized definition is “an appointment for a specified time; especially a social engagement between two persons of opposite sex” (Webster’s Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary).

What about courtship? Most know little or nothing of this lost art, and many no longer know—let alone use—the term. Those few who do, know virtually nothing about the principles of courtship—or its true purpose. As a result, if two people are “dating,” this could mean they have dated only twice, yet have become interested in pursuing marriage. Even if both were serious, and technically courting from this point (this is often the case today after just two dates), most would still refer to this as dating.

In fact, there is no common understanding of just what dating and courtship are, or the plain difference between the two—and there is a big difference!

Also, because it sounds too “official” and “old-fashioned,” teenagers today rarely even use the term “dating.” The idea of a date—when a man formally asks a woman, for instance, if she would accept an engagement for dinner—is nearly non-existent. Many simply slip or tumble into dating situations, seemingly not caring how this happens, or even what happens. Instead, they seem more concerned with “going with the flow.”

Yet, you should care! Too much is at stake not to. There are many important principles behind dating that one must consider in order to successfully date—and be able to eventually move on to the more serious courtship and pursuit of marriage. You must have a means of knowing if or when you have found that special person. There are specific processes involved in proper dating that will help lead you down the right path.

When was the last time you either heard or used the word “courting”? Again, this term is very rarely used in society today, and most do not have any idea what it really means. Webster’s states that courting is “to engage in social activities leading to engagement and marriage.” Most would reply, “But isn’t that dating?” The answer is no. Courting is a separate but important and intricate part of the process pointing toward and leading to marriage. Therefore, you must also come to understand and apply the right way to court.

And then there are those who may want to date, court and marry for the second time. Of course, some lose a spouse to death. Many others, having already established a pattern of marital failure, hope to do better “the second time around.” But no one is telling them how to do better. Wounded, and perhaps feeling burned, many stumble into a “rebound” relationship, often choosing the exact same kind of person they just left behind! These people need guidance as well, and this book offers it.

There are many manuals available, written from the human perspective, on how to date, court and find a mate. And there seems to be no end of sociologists, psychologists, marriage counselors and others considered to be experts, who are only too willing to offer what are no more than the opinions of people. This book does not merely present my perspective—my view—of the subject. That would be of no more worth than so many others.

Consider the intensifying debate about the status and legal recognition of same-sex couples. The United States and other Western countries are caught in the middle of a conflict—an outright war—over whether homosexual partners should be granted marriage licenses. In America, civil unions have already been permitted for some time in certain states. As the battle lines continue to form, the U.S. President and his allies are pursuing a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriages. Frustrated that “the courts are defining marriage” for the whole country, he stated that “marriage should be defined by the people.”

But is this true? Is it really “the people” who have devised the institution of marriage? Should “the people” decide who and what constitutes a marriage? If so, then is it also human beings who should define the traditional means of selecting a mate pursuant to this goal?

The answer to all these questions is an emphatic “NO!”

Let’s be clear. While religionists and theologians assume that this is God’s world, it is not! Let me repeat, this is not God’s world—it does not reflect His Way. Its customs, beliefs, values, philosophies, traditions and practices are not of God. But God is calling—and working with—a small number of people, whom He is training for a very special purpose. Who and how one chooses to date, which can lead to courtship and marriage, is inseparable from this purpose.

This book is far more than another manual containing dating “tips” or “helpful hints.” What you will read here reveals what God has to say on the matter. What people may say or do—and the “will of the people”—is irrelevant and usually just plain wrong! It is God’s perspective—His view—that offers the way to everything good in life.

God intends that every human being enjoy a happy marriage. This is directly tied to whom and how one dates—and courts—prior to marriage!

In order to fully grasp the many principles that apply to dating, courtship, engagement and marriage, much foundation must first be laid. Be patient with the need to establish the right framework. It is essential to appreciating—to truly comprehending—all that follows. The reader makes a big mistake by skipping over or skimming through any early portions of this book in search of “specifics” describing what should happen on a date. If this is your interest—if you are merely looking for “keys,” “tips” or “good ideas”—this book is not for you. While it does contain, later in the book, a great many specific points for application, these latter chapters simply cannot be properly applied without first understanding the vital backdrop of the preceding chapters.

A word to parents and teens: Parents, this book can be absolutely invaluable to you in training and preparing your children throughout the years preceding the eligible age of marriage—if you use it! Teenagers, this book will also guide you—and will protect you from endless, and usually unseen, traps and pitfalls. Read it. Study it. Adhere to it. You will be enormously glad you did!

Dating and Courtship God’s Way is truly different, and applying its contents could change your life forever!

Chapter One –

DATING TODAY

Why do you need to learn more about dating and courting? Is this not something people just pick up from others and “learn as they go”? Is there a right and wrong way of dating or, like learning to walk or ride a bike, can people just naturally figure it out as they experience it?

The cold, hard facts are that today’s standards of dating, courting and engagement are wrong—all wrong!

But how can I say this? All you need do is look at the astonishing array of ill effects to realize that the dating and courtship practiced today are far off-track. But, before we address this, the principle of cause and effect must be explained.

The Cause-and-Effect Principle

Most people live their entire existence completely unaware of why things either “go right” or “go wrong.” They seem unable to grasp that what they do, or do not do, has a direct effect on their lives. Most do not recognize that for every cause there is an effect—or, conversely, for every effect there is a cause. Nor do they know that this is a law. Scientists recognize this in physics, but society is unaware that the same is true in life—that the law of cause and effect is no less immutable than any law of science.

Let’s reason together, considering a few basic points. How does the law of cause and effect work in one’s life? Some simple examples:

If you routinely eat too much, what happens? You will become sick or overweight—or both! There is no mystery to this.

If you drink too much alcohol, you will become intoxicated. This could lead to a long list of bad effects: A next-day headache, being arrested, or even an auto accident resulting in injury or death to yourself or others. Again, there is no mystery here.

If you break society’s laws, the effect is that you might go to jail or prison. This will hurt your family, your career opportunities and your entire future. Once again, no mystery to this.

In this fashion, the law of cause and effect directly impacts your life—and the life of everyone on earth. The ways that this happens are endless.

Let’s go further. If industry pollutes the environment, the result is contaminated air or water, or even the much-debated problem of global warming. If countries go to war, the results—the effects—are economic upheaval, disease, famine and general misery for all involved. If parents neglect the proper rearing of their children, or if children do not obey their parents, the effects could be poor performance in school, drug addiction, criminal conduct or worse.

Of course, none of this is hard to understand.

God’s way of life—including the principles of right dating, courtship and engagement—is also based on the law of cause and effect. The Bible contains hundreds of laws and principles, each carrying the power of cause and effect for those who keep—or break—them!

Whether one identifies and knows all the laws and principles of the Bible is not relevant to whether breaking them will bring certain punishment. Just as speeding can result in a ticket, whether the driver knew the speed limit or not, so those who break the laws of God reap penalties, whether they know they are violating specific laws or not.

Look at the world around you. It is littered with broken families, unhappy marriages, single-parent homes, STDs, astonishing ignorance and widespread misery. Have you ever asked why? WHY has mankind never been able to solve these and other great problems? Why do they only grow worse with the passing of time? Because the laws and principles of God are being routinely broken by earth’s billions of human inhabitants.

The Being who wrote the Bible states that His great Law, the Ten Commandments, is “holy, just, good and spiritual” (Rom. 7:12, 14). Again, consider the basic understanding of cause and effect. When God’s laws and principles are obeyed, they bring countless blessings, benefits and good things into the lives of those who obey them. But mankind has routinely rejected—and even lampooned—the instruction book that reveals the cause of all its problems, evils and ills.

The Effects

So how does the law of cause and effect apply to dating and courtship? Where do these practices lead? The answer is simple. Dating, and the courtship that may ensue, are the precursors to relationships—and ultimately marriages. The effect—successful or failed marriages—is what results from either right or wrong forms of dating and courtship.

The cause-and-effect principle goes both ways. For every cause, there is a resulting effect, and for every effect, there is a traceable cause! So, let’s look at the effects of modern dating. We could ask: Are they good?

To determine whether the dating practiced today is correct, we should first examine its fruits. In other words, we must analyze the effects of dating today. If the effects are bad or rotten, then we should be able to admit that something is wrong, possibly very wrong, with the cause—the ways that people in society practice dating, courtship and even engagement.

Therefore, it is essential to examine the overall state of the marriage institution. If dating and courtship are being done properly, we should expect the general condition of marriage throughout society today to be healthy.

Today’s Marriages

Greater numbers of people are questioning the institution of marriage every day. Many are concerned with the direction of current trends. Some ponder whether marriage can even survive. Still others get married on their own terms or only on a “trial basis.” Millions simply live together, unmarried—and ever-greater numbers now cohabitate in “same-sex” partnerships.

All of this would have been unthinkable just 50 years ago. Virtually everyone back then planned and expected to “grow up, get married and have children.” And marriage was for life! Entire communities—and nations—functioned on this premise!

If dating and courtship were practiced correctly today, they would form the foundation of a beautiful relationship between a husband and wife as God ordained it. The two would spend a lifetime together enjoying much happiness and joy. This God-plane relationship would include expanding the family to children who would experience more productive and abundant lives, because their home and family would provide a strong, positive environment, capable of nurturing them to adulthood and into their own successful marriages with children. Parents would teach children all they need to know, and the process would continue through successive generations.

Does this sound like a fairytale—a children’s bedtime story? Today it does! This is because modern society is shot full of wrong education, misinformation, hollow opinions, pop psychology, ignorance, bad advice—or no advice—all of which virtually prevents young people from having any hope for true happiness in marriage.

The following are revealing statistics, trends and facts derived from census data, and what sociologists, psychologists, marriage planners/counselors and others report. While shocking, this is only the briefest thumbnail—a very tiny sampling—of all that could have been included. Take the time to consider the enormous implications of these statistics. Make them personal, and imagine the individual lives behind them:

• 50% of married women and 66% of married men in the U.S. commit adultery (combined, these statistics indicate that five out of six marriages—over 80%—involve at least one adulterous partner).

• Divorces per 1,000 marriages: 1969—140; 1990—380 (up 171%); 1996—451 (up 222% since 1969).

• Compared to first marriages, remarriages are 50% more likely to end in divorce during the first five years, and tend to be unstable, break up more often, and more quickly (Statistics Canada).

• Divorced status in America is the fastest growing marital category. Between 1970 and 1996, the number of divorcees more than quadrupled, going from 4.3 million to 18.3 million.

• The National Institute for Healthcare Research says that divorce now ranks as the number one factor linked with suicide in major U.S. cities, ranking above all other physical, financial, and psychological factors.

• More than 50% of people in their 20s, interviewed in a Gallup survey, agreed to the statement, “One sees so few good or happy marriages today that one questions it as a way of life.” Among single young adults, more than half stated that one of their biggest concerns about marriage is “the possibility that it will end in divorce.” Incredible!

About half of all marriages fail! How can this be? Try to imagine the pain, suffering and frustration that so many experience. Is there a reason for all of this? Is it merely because many people just cannot get along? Most have no idea—no realization—that if they follow the correct way—God’s way—they could avoid all this misery and unhappiness!

But divorce is not the only sad and shocking effect of wrong dating and courtship. Improper dating and courtship practices carry the side effect of leading the large and growing ranks of wounded, jaded, cynical people to decide to just live together—or, more accurately, share a bed together—instead of committing to marriage.

Consider just these statistics from Britain: In 1972, there were 480,000 couples who chose to marry. By 2001, less than three decades later, only 286,000 weddings took place, even though the population had grown by seven percent. Just since 1986, the number of women choosing to cohabitate has more than doubled, going from 13 percent to 28 percent. The figures for men are only slightly lower.

All of this describes a world in revolt against the institution of marriage!

The Young Victims

Cohabitation is not the only bad side effect resulting from divorce. It is important to stop and look at the children—the most painful fruits—of these failed marriages. Again, you will be shocked by the far-reaching implications of the telling statistics below, describing the United States, and reflecting the disintegrating fabric of what is considered the most powerful nation in the world:

• 75% of children of divorced couples also end up going through divorce.

• The school dropout rate among children from divorced families is twice that of children from intact families.

• Among teenage and adult females, parental divorce is linked to daughters’ lower self-esteem, earlier sexual activity, greater delinquency, and difficulty establishing fulfilling, lasting adult heterosexual relationships. Yet, their parents’ divorce usually occurred years before any difficulties were observed.

• 50% of children today will spend at least part of their childhood in single-parent homes.

• In 2000, 33% of babies were born to unmarried women, compared to only 3.8% in 1940. (More than 1/3 of children never experience a married home!)

• The high divorce rate directly affects one million children every year.

• In a recent survey, 62% of men agreed that “while it may not be ideal, it’s okay for an adult woman to have a child on her own if she has not found the right man to marry.”

• Studies show that children from broken families are twice as likely to have emotional and physical health problems. Again, these are also more likely to suffer from low self-esteem, with this leading to difficulties in friendships.

Many children today are victims of their parents’ ignorance of the correct way to date and court. If their parents had only taken the time to study God’s principles on the subject, these children would not suffer in the way that they do—both during childhood and later in their own unhappy marriages.

Will your children, or future children, be statistics? Will they suffer in uncounted ways? Will you wait until you experience all the wrong effects of improperly dating, courting and preparing for marriage before addressing the gaping wounds you and your children will experience? Or will you deal with the cause now—before it is too late?

Other Shocking Statistics

Let’s return to the subject of unmarried couples who live together. Over half of all first marriages today are preceded by cohabitation, compared to virtually none early in the twentieth century, just 100 years ago.

Young adults now so often postpone marriage until their late 20s to early 30s. While most men and women are choosing to establish themselves in jobs and careers before marriage (which can be good), they also most often spend a long period unmarried but sexually active. This newer phenomenon has been described as “sex without strings, relationships without rings.”

Yet, looking at destroyed marriages, wounded children and broken families does not paint the full picture of the effects of wrong dating habits today. Sadly, dating today directly leads—almost universally—to premarital sex. “Leads to” is probably not even the right term, because “dates” today often involve sex on the first date! Actually, more often than not, sex is the expected norm as part of the first date, and most of the “dates” that follow. Millions do this.

So many, blinded by pure lust, are committing fornication as a veritable way of life! Surrounded by illicit sex on every side, and often guided solely by their hormones—and what the dating partner almost certainly expects—rather than by what is right, couples routinely commit every kind of sexual sin imaginable. And many do this without the slightest pang of conscience giving them pause. Within minutes, often induced by a variety of drugs, alcohol and an unwholesome environment, young people unconsciously reject the possibility of a healthy, fulfilling, God-ordained and designed wonderful relationship of husband and wife. Instead, they choose to dive into mindless, instant gratification, giving little or no consideration for the devastating long-term effects they will surely experience.

One shocking previous statistic brings this trend to the forefront: One-third of all children in the United States today are born out of wedlock! Think what this means! One out of every three children now begins life without a proper family and lacking the environment that the Almighty Creator designed and intended.

The Downward Spiral

Breaking this down, we can begin to understand the compounding trouble afflicting most families today. What happens to all those in our generation who have lost even the most basic knowledge of how to have a happy, abundant marriage? What will happen another generation from now? What will happen to today’s children’s children?

While statistics reveal that teenagers from intact families are less likely to be sexually active, adolescents from broken families are twice as likely to have children out of wedlock. Also, as mentioned, 75 percent of children who have suffered through their parents’ divorce will experience it themselves. In other words, the choices people make now regarding dating and courtship may well lead to divorce, which, in turn, could destroy the marriages of their children, and their children’s children, in an endless and worsening cycle. The effects of dating habits yesterday have caused horrible conditions in countless lives today, and the trend can only grow worse for greater numbers tomorrow!

Relationship destruction spreads like an infection, like a cancer, making it easier for others to follow bad examples and take the easy way out themselves. The tragic end result is that divorce and ruined lives breed more divorce and more ruined lives. On the present path, this worsening trend would continue until the marriage institution and the entire concept of traditional families are irreversibly destroyed—except that God will soon intervene in the affairs of mankind and cut short the downward spiral before such extinction is permitted to happen!

Failed Marriages—So Unnecessary

Vast numbers of marriages have needlessly failed. This has been because couples were not taught in advance how to carefully select someone who could be a real companion—and a truly compatible partner—for life. Divorce resulted simply because there never should have been a marriage in the first place. Of course, many other marriages fail because couples who could have otherwise succeeded simply did not know how to make their marriage work—a very different problem, and one largely outside the parameters of this book. But no marriage can reach its full and wonderful potential, and could possibly even fail altogether, if singles either do not know what to look for in a prospective mate, or even that they should be thoroughly examining those whom they are dating seriously.

When most people carefully look at the effects we have discussed, they will admit that they are real—and that something is terribly wrong! Tragically, these same people often remain unwilling to believe that all these bad effects could have resulted from wrong causes! Will you examine these causes? Will you come to understand and accept the principles of proper dating, courtship and engagement?

Before these things can be discussed—and we will do this in great detail in later chapters—we must carefully lay the all-important foundation, so crucial to truly comprehend all that you will only then be prepared to learn.

Chapter Two –

A FATAL MIXTURE

Today’s dating practices are almost entirely wrong. However, before we can understand how they are wrong, we must ask why this confused state of affairs. Why are so many people unable to correctly date, court, and reap the benefits of a happy marriage and family life? To fully grasp why the masses do not follow sound principles of dating and courtship, we must learn the underpinnings of society as a whole. The big picture must be examined.

To do this, we must go back to the beginning.

From the Beginning

Almost 6,000 years ago, the first man and woman were created. These two—Adam and Eve—were history’s very first husband and wife, and lived in the Garden of Eden. As Chief Designer of marriage, God also explained this relationship to them, and the laws that govern it. He called it “very good.”

Touching on the high points, a summary of this account is found in the earliest chapters of Genesis. What is clear is that God taught this first couple His Way—the way that would bring peace, supreme happiness, abundance, prosperity and all the good things of life.

Yet, because of His infinite Purpose, God created these first human beings as free moral agents. Adam and Eve had the power to choose. God did not force His way of life on them, but rather taught them the right way, leaving the choice to them as to what they would do.

Genesis 3 records what happened in the garden with Satan tempting Eve. This account demonstrates the devil’s cunning subtlety as he tried to discredit God and appeal to Adam and Eve’s vanity.

There were two special trees in the garden. First was the “Tree of Life,” representing God’s Way. Adam and Eve were instructed to eat as much from this tree as they wished. There was also the “tree of the knowledge of good and evil.” This first married couple was expressly forbidden to eat of the fruit of that tree. God told them that in the day they ate that fruit, they would “surely die.”

Understand. God—and God alone—decides what sin is. Man was not given the authority to decide what sin is but rather only whether he would sin.

Adam and Eve had a clear choice! Through Satan’s subtlety and their rebellion, they rejected God and took of the forbidden fruit. They rejected God’s perfect Law and rule—His government over all creation—and were taken captive by Satan and his way of sin. Because of sin, they no longer had access to God’s blessings, guidance, protection or the free gift of His Holy Spirit, which they could have acquired by eating of the Tree of Life.

From that day forward, mankind has been cut off from God, having rejected God and His ways (Isa. 59:1-2). this is why mankind does not—cannot—know the truth about the purpose behind right dating and the purpose behind right courtship. He has chosen his own path—a mixture of good and evil—and the fruit of his choice is literally a “mix,” with some marriages working somewhat, others constantly riding the rollercoaster of extremes, and many not working at all. Therefore, all but a select few couples lack the supreme happiness and joy that God intended for every marriage!

Any mixture of good and evil is always fatal! If one mixes even a small amount of arsenic or cyanide into a cake, it will still just as surely kill those who eat it. However, a truer analogy here is that humanity is ingesting a veritable “ricin” (a poison 6,000 times more deadly than cyanide) of wrong thinking!

The Real Author of Modern Dating

Most assume that this world belongs to and is guided by God—that civilization as a whole is being supervised by Him. Is this true? We must ask, who is the real ruler over this world? Once this has been established, we will have identified the true author behind today’s dating practices. In other words, to coin a phrase from a well-known song of several decades ago, we should ask, “Who wrote the book of love” so popularly followed by this world’s masses?

It is critical to understand Satan’s role! The serpent deceived Eve, starting mankind down the path away from God and His Law. By choosing the forbidden fruit, Adam and Eve handed themselves and their descendants to the serpent’s thinking.

Open your Bible and read these plain verses. The devil is the “god of this world” and he has “blinded the minds” of everyone in it (II Cor. 4:4). Satan is also called the “prince of this world” (John 12:31; 14:30; 16:11) and “prince of the power of the air” (Eph. 2:2). The apostle John added that Satan “deceives the whole world” (Rev. 12:9). Astonishing, but true—and most will never accept this statement, or that it could apply to themselves, much less that it could have any bearing on their dating practices.

Isaiah 14:12-15 tells a remarkable story containing many clues about where Lucifer (who later became Satan) once resided, what he did, and what happened to him: “How are you fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! How are you cut down to the ground, which did weaken the nations! For you have said in your heart, I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God: I will sit also upon the mount of the congregation, in the sides of the north: I will ascend above the heights of the clouds: I will be like the Most High. Yet you shall be brought down to hell [the “grave” – verses 9 and 11], to the sides of the pit.”

Ezekiel 28:12-17 parallels and reinforces Isaiah 14 and is equally important to understand. This account describes one whom some scholars claim was a human “king of Tyrus.” However, careful reading shows this is impossible—and even ridiculous.

This passage speaks of one who “seals up the sum, full of wisdom, perfect in beauty,” who had also “been in Eden the garden of God.” No human has ever been perfect, and the devil was the serpent who beguiled Eve in the Garden. Verse 13 states, “you were created.” Satan is a created being. Verse 14 calls him “the cherub that covers.” (Exodus 25:17-20 describes the two remaining faithful “cherubs that cover[ed]” God’s throne in the Old Testament tabernacle. Their wings covered the “mercy seat.”) No earthly king could ever fit this description.

The latter part of Ezekiel 28:14 states that this “king” was “in the mountain of God” and “walked…in the midst of the stones of fire.” This describes the area around God’s throne. Verse 15 says, “Iniquity [lawlessness] was found in you” and verse 16 refers to it as “sin.”

Verse 16 also describes this cherub as having been “cast…out of” heaven. God also said He would “destroy” (Hebrew: expel) Lucifer from heaven. Verse 17 reveals that his “heart was lifted up because of [his] beauty” and that his wisdom was “corrupted…by reason of [his] brightness.” The verse ends with God “casting him down to the ground,” where the kings of the earth would “behold him.”

Lucifer was a brilliant being, an “angel of light”—as are “his ministers” today (II Cor. 11:13-15). The word Lucifer actually means “the light bringer.” This brilliant, wise, perfect being once brought great light to all that were around him. But he rebelled and sinned—thus becoming the “prince of darkness.” His rebellion turned him into a twisted, perverted, fallen angel. While of great intelligence, he has literally become insane—a being who no longer knows right from wrong!

Yet he is still the one in charge of—in control of—this world!

A lengthy passage in the New Testament offers more insight to the devil’s authority and influence over the nations of earth. Matthew 4 contains the well-known account of Christ’s confrontation with the devil after fasting forty days. The devil repeatedly tempted Christ by twisting scripture (one of his favorite devices). At one point, “the devil took Him up into an exceeding high mountain, and showed Him all the kingdoms of the world, and the glory of them; and said unto Him, All these things will I give You, if You will fall down and worship me” (vs. 8-9). In a moment, we will see that this stunning event reveals more than meets the eye! Notice that Christ rebuked Satan (vs. 10) and quoted Deuteronomy 6:13: “You shall worship the Lord your God, and Him only shall you serve.” At this point, the temptation ended and the devil departed.

Also notice! At no point did Christ say, “These kingdoms are NOT yours to give” or “Who do you think you are, trying to offer Me what is already Mine (God’s)?” Christ said no such thing. Why? Because He knew that the kingdoms (governments) of this world are the devil’s kingdoms. Christ clearly knew that they were Satan’s to give. Therefore, He rejected the terms for receiving them from the one—Satan—who had the authority to offer them.

Stop and consider the implications here. This world’s nations and governments, with “all the glory of them,” are still under the control of the “god of this world”—the “prince of this world.” This is the plain truth from your Bible! This world, with its ways and systems, is under the control of the devil! And this has a direct influence on—an overarching connection to—why the world cannot, of itself, ever come to the right knowledge about dating, courtship and marriage—and why this world’s religions and educational institutions have failed so abysmally in teaching these things.

Complete Deception

As mentioned, Satan “deceives the whole world” (Rev. 12:9). That’s right—“the whole world.” This is a staggering statement—but there it is in your Bible.

How can the devil deceive over six billion people? Verse 9 concludes, “He was cast out into the earth, and his angels were cast out with him.” Notice that it says, “his angels.” These beings are referred to as demons. They assist Satan in his work of mass deception.

And if Satan has deceived the entire world, then it is not God’s world. It has to be one or the other! Since the whole world is deceived—and since “the whole world lies in wickedness” (I John 5:19)—it becomes clear why it is cut off from God. Deceived people practice lives filled with sin. (Recall Isaiah 59:1-2.) For our purposes here, continue to view these passages in relation to the process of how people are influenced to date, court and select marriage partners.

No one enjoys being told that they are deceived, and no one enjoys hearing that they are ignorant of God’s Purpose. These statements wound human pride, but not as much as remaining in deception wounds those who permit this.

If one cannot accept Revelation 12:9 as coming directly from the mind of God, any hope of breaking free of this awful deception will be lost! Such people will have chosen to remain under their captor for the remainder of the age. (If you doubt the Bible as the inspired Word of God, read our booklet Bible Authority...Can It Be Proven? and take the time to prove its authority to yourself. This Book is the most misrepresented, misinterpreted, misunderstood book of all time. Yet, it can be proven to be the plain Word of God!)

Prince of the Power of the Air

Now consider the following vital scripture. Ephesians 2:2 speaks of the devil when it says, “…according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that now works in the children of disobedience.”

This is a fascinating passage, with the thought continuing at the end of verse 3. The apostle Paul tells the Ephesian brethren that at one time, they “were by nature the children of wrath.” Who are the “children of wrath”—also called the “children of disobedience” in Ephesians 5:6? How do they relate to the phrase, “prince of the power of the air”?

Again notice Ephesians 2:2. It says that Satan’s “spirit…works in the children of disobedience.” Did you see that? He has “power” to use the “air” to broadcast, through his spirit, an attitude of disobedience! He sends moods, feelings, attitudes and pulls of the flesh into people’s minds, and this broadcast “works” within people’s minds and thinking. This “air power” gives the devil tremendous influence, allowing him to send thoughts of confusion, deceit, anger, pride, hate, foolishness, vanity, jealousy, lust, greed, envy, rebellion and much more directly into people’s thinking!

Let’s continue examining the devil’s influence through the use of an analogy. In a manner of speaking, Satan owns the largest radio station on earth, broadcasting 24 hours a day, reaching and deceiving the entire world!

Are you beginning to see from where the preoccupation with merely dating for sex comes—why so many singles seem to have so little else on their minds?

At this point, some vital understanding is necessary before continuing. A Christian obeys God, through His Law. Paul recorded that God has a spiritual law (Rom. 7:14). Christians keep it. When they do, it “keeps them,” so to speak. But when people break God’s Law, similarly, it “breaks them”!

In Acts 5:32, Peter referred to “the Holy Spirit, [which] God has given to them that obey Him.” Take time to turn to this verse and read it carefully. True Christians understand and practice—fulfill—its meaning. God’s Holy Spirit is given upon repentance and baptism (Acts 2:38). This Spirit helps Christians obey the Ten Commandments!

A Sexless Being

There is a central aspect of Satan that has a direct bearing on dating and courtship.

Consider the design of all angels. The Bible explains that these beings do exist and that they are on a higher plane than men. God created man a “little lower than the angels” (Psa. 8:5).

Notice how Jesus spoke of how the future Sons of God will have a certain parallel to angels: “…they neither marry, nor are given in marriage…as the angels of God in heaven” (Matt. 22:30). Although angels invariably manifest themselves as men, they are neither male nor female, and are therefore without sex. The devil—a fallen angel—is also sexless. He has no ability to reproduce himself and is completely unable to experience the marriage and family relationship, including sexual relations, made available to human beings! He resents its great purpose and potential, offering men a “Son of God” status that he can never receive. He resents the marriage institution. It is therefore in his interest to twist and pervert the institutions of marriage and the family. This includes inspiring the growing acceptance of alternative unions and “marriages.”

In contrast, God has given human beings the marvelous ability to reproduce. In the correct atmosphere of a wholesome family, this brings unparalleled joy and happiness. And, as parents rear their children correctly, those children will grow up to be wonderful parents themselves.

Grasp this all-important truth. Satan can never experience the wonderful blessings that God has given to mankind. Hence, the catastrophic mess the family has become through his influence. Recall the awful statistics listed in Chapter One.

Brilliant in intelligence, Satan understands the law of cause and effect. He knows that to ultimately defeat the fulfillment of happy marriages and families—and to destroy the values of children and teens before they reach the age of marriage—he must begin at the cause. One way he does this is by attacking the foundation—right dating and courtship!

Today’s Society

For 6,000 years, the devil has been relentless in guiding mankind off track. All that you see around you today—your community, your country and every institution within them—have faulty foundations.

You must come to accept that this is not God’s world—that He is not the author of its governments, religions, cultures, education systems, family values, and “alternative lifestyles,” practiced by ever-increasing numbers. These are all humanly-devised institutions and ideas, created and developed by men under the sway of the devil. While some of these things are not completely evil, they are, at best, the mixture derived from the “tree of the knowledge of good and evil.”

Take a hard look at the world around you. Search your local newspaper. Visit the magazine section of any large bookstore. Scan through television channels. At best, most of what you will see is semi-lewd, and filled with an emphasis on physical beauty, excess, grossness of culture and driven by lust. These are the messages—and influences—that are competing for your attention, and the attention of young people moving toward the dating age. Recognizing them sets the stage for understanding their effect on the modern dating culture.

Further, the western world is drowning in communication devices such as mobile phones, pagers, handheld computers, e-mails—possessed by people who must be instantly, and continuously, linked to each other for fear of being “out of the loop” for even a moment.

Then there are those who, wanting to rebel against mainstream society, choose to wear “character” clothing outfits to “express themselves.” Today, large numbers of middle and upper class teens dress as though they are no more than hardened urban street thugs. It is as though they want to reflect a culture that is trapped in an endless cycle of poverty, violence and hopelessness.

Some who are “depressed” about growing up in a two-parent, middle-class family dress in black “Goth” styles, also wearing black and white makeup and black lipstick in the most garish fashion. Others fill their lives with endless parties, including parties after the parties, all the while pouring a virtual pharmacy of drugs—often on top of alcohol—into their systems. Seeing no hope or purpose in their lives, large and growing numbers live to “get high,” refusing to face the sober realities of life. Needless to say, the large majority of singles are left completely unprepared to choose lifelong mates or to understand what such relationships mean if they found one.

But let’s continue. A visit to virtually any independent music store reveals another subculture of the modern world: A generation of youth full of pride and vanity, yet “pure in their own eyes” (Prov. 30:12). With hairstyles resembling everything from spikes to “lions’ manes,” to unkempt, unwashed and undesirable, today’s teens and twenty-somethings collect the latest “underground record.” Such lyrics set to noise could be rock, rap, punk or hip-hop, but to a young person, it does not matter—as long as his peers approve. So many idolize whatever is the most popular band to unleash crashing wails labeled as “music”—but more accurately described as howling shrieks emitted by people who must be in some kind of severe pain.

Also observe any music-award television show. Notice how so many in the audience wear tight-fitting, virtually painted-on outfits that are flashy and attention-getting. They reveal parts of the body that were meant to be concealed, and often make those wearing them look like aliens from outer space! Yet, almost an entire generation has come to consider such garish dress and outlandish behavior to be normal—even chic and fashionable.

Next, notice the way people walk, especially in the inner cities. They swagger as if to say, “Don’t mess with me.” Full of haughtiness, arrogance and a kind of bravado, they are often covered in tattoos, body piercings and outrageous hairstyles. Worse, however, is that endless television commercials explicitly promote this culture by a daily bombardment of an entire generation of young people who are watching—and copying what they see. The almost endless—and outrageously crude—sexually suggestive beer commercials alone tell you this.

Then listen to how people speak. Even those with master’s degrees curse and use slang words as though they have little more than a third-grade education. It is as though some have chosen to “dumb down” themselves to be accepted by people whose opinions never used to count. Others love to copy those who cannot form complete sentences without cursing or using God’s name in vain.

Take a look at mainstream entertainment and media. So much of this is little more than what has been described as “what’s hot, what’s new, what’s next”—the latest hit movie or sitcom. Today, entertainment means “how far can we go?” in pushing (or blurring) even past human boundaries of decency and good taste. Never mind what God thinks, or what His standards are. Most want more extramarital sex, more violence, more blurring of the lines between good and evil, less morality, less common sense, less decency, and the promotion of situational ethics instead of having to choose between right and wrong.

Desperate to show how sophisticated their tastes are, many embrace the world of independent films—a subculture of absolute sickness and depravity passing itself off as intellectually fashionable.

The music, dance, dress, language, books, plays, conduct and other trends that are underground and cutting edge today invariably become mainstream tomorrow. This drives the underground scene to be even more extreme, knowing that today’s extreme is tomorrow’s mainstream!

Across college campuses, and in high school and middle school hallways, the air is charged with sexual tension, mixed with peer pressure and bad judgment. Using a “band-aid” approach, adults turn a blind eye to the misadventures of the next generation, which is sexually active, jaded and always ready to move on to the next perversion, generally translated as the latest “trend.” Sadly, many are in awe of homosexuality and lesbianism, thinking these to be “cool,” and as something to experiment with. More and more early-teenage girls are adopting the trend of having a casual lesbian relationship with a school friend on the side, while simultaneously—and actively—remaining heterosexual.

So many have gone from periodically visiting the sewer to living in a cesspool—and the cycle of perversion will continue and grow worse, until this world mirrors the times of Noah and of Sodom and Gomorrah (Luke 17:26-30).

This is the world you live in—and it is trying to instill in you every wrong principle of dating and courtship. But Satan’s world is not the only roadblock to a happy marriage.

Human Nature—Whose Nature?

Recall Satan’s influence. Before the invention of radio, his power—as arch broadcaster and prince of the power of the air—could not be as easily understood. Now you can comprehend!

We can now better understand the “children of disobedience.” Like Christians, these people are also inspired and guided by a spirit—but that of the god of this world. Satan broadcasts a spirit of disobedience—through attitudes—into humanity. Ephesians 2:2 is plain. But a deceived world knows nothing of this understanding!

If you listen to radio, you usually select a station that plays what you desire to hear. Of course, today, people more often “surf” television stations. Eventually, something interests them, and they stop at a station of their choosing. In every case, stations are selected by choice. People have control over what they hear or watch.

It is not the same with Satan’s “radio station.” No one decides to tune into the devil’s broadcast. And no one ever sets out to be deceived! But every human being on earth is automatically tuned to Satan’s wavelength! His wickedness, hostility, rebellion, deceit and selfishness are continuously “on the air.” Though you cannot see it, anymore than you can see radio waves or television signals, the air around you is literally charged and “crackles” with the power and energy of Satan’s broadcast.

Therefore, it is really Satan’s nature that is being labeled as human nature. In fact, once injected into people, the devil’s nature becomes natural to them. It becomes their nature—now human nature!

It is critical to realize how this spirit works in people. It is the single greatest key to understanding exactly how Satan can deceive and manipulate almost six and one-half billion people.

Human Nature

Although we now understand that human nature comes from Satan, we must also understand that it is not inherited—but rather acquired! A parent who loses an eye, hand or leg does not produce children having only one eye, one hand or one leg. When God used one of Adam’s ribs to create Eve, it did not mean that all men ever after would lack one rib. Also, the Bible refers to their son Abel as “righteous Abel.” Their disobedience did not prevent his obedience.

Adam and Eve were adult “babies.” Just like babies born today, they were pure at the time of their creation (“birth”) but were quickly exposed to a “broadcast” they were not able to resist. They were created on the sixth day of the week (Friday), rested on the Sabbath (Saturday), and were seduced by Satan (Gen. 3:1-6) probably the next day (Sunday)—at the age of two days old! Thus, Satan was waiting for “baby” Adam and “baby” Eve. No two-day-old child can discern right from wrong. Like so many young people, Adam and Eve just thought they were grown-up enough to make their own decisions.

Think of it this way. Again, like most children today, Adam and Eve chose not to listen to their Parent, God. Instead, they believed Satan’s lie that they would not “surely die.” Once again, in so doing, they rejected the rule of the government of God in their lives. If Adam had obeyed God’s instruction, he would have qualified to replace Satan and restore the government of God on earth.

Notice this New Testament evidence of how human nature is acquired, not inherited: “But I fear, lest by any means, as the serpent beguiled Eve through his subtlety, so your minds should be corrupted…” (II Cor. 11:2-3).

Paul was writing to people who lived 4,000 years after Adam and Eve. He recognized that the devil was still alive and active. The Corinthians were adults capable of being deceived (“beguiled”) in the same way as Eve, and Paul warned them to be on guard that they not return to following the ways of human nature. Just as Eve’s nature was not evil and hostile to God (see Romans 8:7) before she was deceived, neither was the nature of the Corinthians after they were converted.

Once called and converted, having received the Spirit of God, one has put off the old human nature of his past life. Paul also added in Ephesians 2:3, “Among whom also we all had our conversation [conduct] in times past in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind; and were by nature the children of wrath, even as others.” These statements follow, and are actually part of, the passage identifying Satan as the “prince of the power of the air.”

Think for a moment. It would be grossly unfair of God to inject newborn babies with human nature and place them under His “wrath.” Do you see this point? Human nature is acquired—and this puts people under the wrath of God!

The following is the same scripture from the Phillips translation of the New Testament (1962 edition). It better describes how all people have acquired human nature from Satan—and the influence driving all modern social practices. The parenthetical portion is part of this translation: “You drifted along on the stream of this world’s ideas of living, and obeyed its unseen ruler [Satan] (who is still operating in those who do not respond to the truth of God)…We all lived like that in the past, and followed the impulses and imaginations of our evil nature…like everyone else.”

How true! Most people simply drift along in life following whatever impulses and ideas (“imaginations”) strike them from moment to moment. All of Ephesians 1 is Paul’s accounting to those brethren of their calling into God’s way of life. Take time to read it, possibly using the Moffatt translation of the Bible. The Ephesians had come out of the course of this world and were no longer “by nature” the children of wrath and were no longer yielding to the “prince of the power of the air.” They had begun to “dis-acquire” human nature by yielding to God instead of the impulses, pulls and temptations of Satan’s wavelength.

With the understanding of Satan the devil, society and self, one must realize the great danger we all face. Step back and recognize the pulls that have affected you throughout your life.

Realize that you live in a world completely devoid of the right way and therefore unable to produce happy, successful marriages. Realize that you have absorbed many ideals—and perspectives—of the world around you. These have conditioned you to assume the characteristics and values—the nature—of society. But, like the Corinthians, you can also dis-acquire the world’s values.

Combining Satan and society with human nature creates a dangerous, explosive situation, especially in regard to dating. For those with eyes to see, the world has proven that it does not know the correct way—God’s Way.

Are you now willing to examine the world’s wrong form of dating from God’s perspective?

Chapter Three –

LUST AND INFATUATION—THE WRONG FOUNDATION

Satan has counterfeited virtually all aspects of God’s Way. Think for a moment. Everyone understands the crime of forgery. A forger’s goal is to create a counterfeit that is indistinguishable from the original. For example, if one is going to make twenty-dollar bills, it would make no sense to produce forgeries that will not be accepted.

Consider. If you want to counterfeit Christianity, you would not offer Buddhism. You offer something that looks, feels and seems to be exactly like Christianity.

The Bible describes three forms of real—true—love. To confuse and trap the unsuspecting, the devil has produced counterfeits to these, which, among other things, form a faulty foundation for dating today.

Let’s now closely examine one of the biggest counterfeits produced by the greatest “forger” of all time.

True Love?

Various definitions and misconceptions about love abound. Some feel that it is devotion, others feel that it is sexual passion, and still others feel that it is affection. Then there are those who feel that it is adoration, or respect, or caring, or admiration or even warm feelings. Still others see it in poetic terms—or as a mystery that cannot be explained.

So then, what is love?

By looking at so many bad marriage results—separation, divorce, and the endless cycle of cohabitation for those who at one point thought they were “in love”—it is evident that the world simply does not understand true love. The problem is that so many initially felt that a relationship was right, when it was not. So many thought that they were in love, only to find out that their feelings were little more than “easy come, easy go.”

Society often bases its values on the opinions of the least-qualified voices—those of the entertainment industry. One such “voice,” Madonna, a famous pop icon, said, “The most important thing is to have love…that happens with a marriage, without a marriage, with a single parent, whatever.” What does this statement really say—other than give license for people to define love any way they wish?

Then there are those who want to hear what the “experts” say. Here is one example:

“What is love? Is it the same as lust? Tough question. There are many different kinds of love—romantic, parental, platonic. Mostly, love is feeling emotionally attached to another person. You want to be close to that person. You want to share things with her, understand her and have her understand you. You want to care for her and have her care for you. Romantic love usually comes with a strong physical or sexual attraction. You want to hold, touch and sometimes become sexual with that person.

“Lust is physical attraction. Lust can sometimes turn into love. Often, when two people are first getting together, they have a really strong physical connection. When two people fall in love, lust may fade over time but it is replaced with a deeper, more intimate emotional connection.

“When you’re falling in love, it’s often tough to tell the difference between the two. Usually, time tells.”

This definition certainly sounds nice. Everyone wants to be close, to share, to understand and to care for each other. All of this appeals to the listener or reader because many of these are good qualities. But the “experts” remain terribly confused about the exact definition of true love. As a result, they offer opinions that are a mix of right and wrong.

We see these explanations of “love” throughout society. For example, look at the scenarios in so-called “romantic comedies.” Many feel warm and happy when seeing typical “romance” between couples. No matter how skewed the Hollywood picture may be, it makes people dream of true love when the leading man tells the leading lady that he wants to be “close to her, understand her and care for her.”

This idea of love is a classic mixture of good and evil. Remember, Adam and Eve chose the knowledge of good and evil. The kind of good described in this way of life, however, is primarily selfish. People generally do good things because they expect something in return. In short, they give to get.

God’s way of life is different—it is selfless!

Recognize that Satan’s goal is to make his counterfeit seem right—feel right—seem and feel natural. However, close scrutiny will expose the counterfeit—the common misconceptions—and lead you to understand true love.

Infatuation

Many speak of finding “true love.” Though opinions abound as to what it is, virtually all people would say that they are seeking this. Sadly, many spend entire lifetimes looking for true love but never finding it. You have probably heard the question, “Is it love or infatuation?” The fact is that most do not understand the difference. Why? Society is missing the vital dimension of knowledge that would make it clear to them.

Do you understand what true love is? Or, are you willing to accept the fact that the world and your own nature have conditioned you to only think you do? Remember that what seems right can lead to disaster (Prov. 14:12; 16:25)!

The difference between true love and infatuation requires honest examination.

Let’s begin with the definition of infatuation. It comes from the French word “fatuus,” meaning fool—or foolishness! Webster’s Dictionary defines it as: “To make foolish; to affect with folly; to weaken the intellectual power of; or to deprive of sound judgment.”

Therefore, in one sense, people who have become infatuated might be considered fools! However, few would admit that the choices they make are foolish, and fewer still would ever consider themselves to be fools.

Why? Because they ignore the signs of infatuation. Actually, they do not even see them, because they are caught up in the feelings of infatuation, which usually begins with a “crush” or “puppy love.” Tragically, parents often promote this, thinking childhood boyfriends and girlfriends are cute, and encourage pairing off, starting with young children. This is dangerous thinking, often ingrained into children beginning as early as kindergarten!

Infatuation can involve very powerful attraction. Never underestimate it. While it stirs up the emotions and feelings that make couples think they are in love, infatuation is nothing more than a starry-eyed experience—a romantic daydream. But, at this point in a relationship, it is nearly impossible to convince anyone of this. Reason and logic seem to magically disappear as people feel they are going through a wonderful, even divine, experience that will last forever.

Recognizing Infatuation

All of this understanding is of no use if one cannot recognize the beginnings of infatuation. How then can you know if you are becoming infatuated?

The biggest symptom of infatuation is an almost complete reliance on emotions—to the exclusion of almost everything else about a person—allowing these emotions to first lead, and then dictate, your actions. In the earliest stages of a relationship, ask yourself the following questions:

What is your major attraction to the person? If infatuated, your main interest will almost certainly be physical appearance. On the other hand, if you truly love the person, you will—among many other things—be interested in his or her total personality, and this will come to include the person’s character.

How did the attraction start? While infatuation almost invariably happens quickly, love always develops more slowly. “Love at first sight” does not exist, and should more properly be called “lust (or infatuation) at first sight.” Anything of worth takes time. But, when it comes to one’s own life, most fail to see—let alone apply—this simple truth.

How consistent is your interest? Infatuation is like a rollercoaster ride—rising and falling, often on trivial events, fluctuating between high peaks of certainty and deep valleys of doubt. With love, one’s interest becomes deeper and more consistent with time. Infatuation involves feelings, comparable to hot and extreme, while love involves character, reflecting balance and temperance.

How do you see the other person? The infatuated live in a one-person world. Their attraction is like the earth’s attraction to the sun—their whole universe revolves around the other person. Seemingly nothing else matters, and both are completely wrapped in each other’s orbit—and this almost invariably turns to being wrapped around each other’s bodies.

During this stage of infatuation, many become blind, rendered almost completely unable to see anything wrong with the other person. While danger signals might be everywhere, the infatuated person does not recognize them—any of them. He tends to see what he wants to see rather than what he needs to see. (Consider this: Studies reveal that no more than two percent of people counseling for marriage will even consider that they may be incompatible. Even fewer heed counsel urging them to actually break it off.)

Now ask: How do others see you? If you are infatuated, your parents and most of your friends will most likely not approve of your relationship. Their objectivity can allow them to see a range of potential difficulties, when the infatuated person often cannot see even the most obvious problems.

The Role of Emotions

Let’s repeat for emphasis: Emotion is the bedrock of infatuation. Do not misunderstand—emotions can be good, even wonderful, and certainly perfectly normal in the right circumstances. However, the emotionally immature are incapable of controlling emotions and, as a result, quickly become infatuated.

Obviously, physical maturity takes time—from birth to adolescence to adulthood. Also—and most generally recognize this—coming to mental maturity is a process, similarly involving much time. Yet, few realize the importance of emotional maturity.

Most think that “love” is an emotion that takes over a person. This is one reason why the counterfeit feels and looks so much like true love. This kind of “love” never lasts, because it is built on an improper foundation! This is not to say that an emotionally mature person suppresses emotions, but rather that he properly exercises them. As with anything of value, emotional maturity takes time and effort to acquire.

Let’s look realistically at what happens with such emotional “love.” Too often, it begins with a high that dominates and controls a person. Remember, however real they seem, these feelings will not last! If couples base their marriage on these emotions, the relationship will quickly crack under stress.

Many never come to recognize that marriage is much more mental than emotional. As one well-known author has stated, people too often “think” with their hormones and sex organs instead of sound logic! Marriage (and dating) is a mental decision, something that should be objectively thought through over a period of time. But there is also a spiritual dimension to those who seek God’s guidance in finding a suitable lifelong mate.

The real proof of emotional maturity is not whether one “falls in love” (becomes infatuated). The true test of maturity is how you handle situations, circumstances and relationships—what you choose to do about them!

Falling in Love?

Most are familiar with the many clichés surrounding the idea of “falling in love.” Endless songs carry lyrics such as “just can’t help falling in love” or “I get a feeling I just can’t control…falling in love with you, baby.” Many movies depict couples falling in love at first sight, and novels and magazines are filled with this scenario. Even our everyday conversations often include such terms!

This is seen everywhere, and everyone, to a certain degree, accepts it as natural. But the truth is that one cannot “fall” into love! Real love is not something that happens by chance. It develops over time, based on the all-important foundation that the Creator has given us.

People do not fall in love, but rather they fall in lust!

Falling in Lust!

Remember that human nature is naturally hostile toward God (recall Romans 8:7). This is because the arch-broadcaster is filled with vanity, jealousy, lust, envy and greed, and he instills these feelings within each human being. His way can be defined simply as the “get” way of life, and lust is a foundational building block of this way. Lust has purely selfish motives, and is concerned only with fulfilling its own desires and wants.

The advice offered by social programs, such as Planned Parenthood, which places little emphasis on abstinence or self-control, but rather only on being careful when one is sexually active, only serves to fuel this selfish desire. Teens wondering when to have sex have already been told by society (probably many times) to “always do what’s good for you—do what will help you enjoy your life—and fulfill your plans for the future.” This translates into “Think only about yourself.”

Here is what Christ inspired John to write: “For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world” (I John 2:16). John divides all that is in the world into the following three categories: Lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes and pride of life! Pause and think for a moment. The three phrases in this passage, describing the world at large, sum up how so many people typically date, court and, consequently, get married!

One of the most powerful forces behind dating today is little more than the basic sex drive. While God did instill the sexual desire in human beings for a pure and holy purpose, the world, held captive by Satan’s influence, has turned this into lust. Sizing people up for sex has now become a common practice. For decades, “girl watching” and “boy watching” have been national pastimes. Millions routinely lust after men and women to whom they are not married.

Today, God’s most basic commands are routinely broken. Notice: “You have heard that it was said by them of old time, You shall not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart” (Matt. 5:27-28). Throughout society, people are confronted—even bombarded—with the temptation to lust.

Almighty God created sex. In the right setting, it is one of the most wonderful physical experiences that a man and a woman can share. Yet, Satan has twisted this God-designed pleasure, reducing it to a sinful act, practiced almost universally between virtual strangers. He has used sex to preoccupy young minds so that, in time, it destroys character and ruins any potential for a happy, wholesome, lifelong relationship between a husband and wife.

It is easy to understand what John meant by “lust of the eyes.” Today, people would think of this in terms of what is considered “hot” or “sexy.” Many discard their virginity after a night of “clubbing” (hopping from one singles’ bar to another) merely because someone seemed “sexy.”

Lust is deeply entrenched within human nature! Paul wrote, “This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that you cannot do the things that you would” (Gal. 5:16-17). This describes the Christian’s everyday battle.

Understand! Those who seek to please God are not to fulfill the lust of the flesh. Yet, millions do this exact thing when dating, and do it almost non-stop. So few use even the most basic common sense—which tragically seems to be not very common anymore—but rather follow their hormones into wrong relationships!

A Simple Greek Lesson— Pornos

In today’s world, lust is the fuel for sex, and vice-versa, and the right use of sex in a happy marriage has become so perverted that virtually an entire generation no longer knows even the rudiments of right and wrong. Many simply do not understand that pre-marital sex is harmful—and is SIN—ruining otherwise potentially healthy relationships. Anything and everything goes as teens today practice sexual immorality on a grand scale!

Paul describes more thoroughly what people lust after: “Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like” (Gal. 5:19-21).

Many seem to understand how terribly destructive adultery is to marriages. But what about fornication—a term rarely used anymore, and even more rarely understood? If you challenged someone with “You are committing fornication,” he or she would lampoon and ridicule you as “old-fashioned”—and that you need to “get real and grow up to the higher level of freedom that society has achieved today.”

What then is fornication? In the simplest terms, it is sexual relations outside marriage. Looking up the New Testament Greek word for “fornication” reveals an interesting point. This word is pornos—and the English word “pornography” is derived from it.

At least on the surface, society generally seems to admit that pornography is lewd and vile, and ruins lives. (Yet, ever-growing millions secretly view it.) But fornication is even more destructive! Incredibly, many now believe that it is good for a relationship, even helpful in learning whether a couple is “sexually compatible” before committing to marriage.

This is never the case! God designed sex to be within marriage. When sex occurs outside marriage, it destroys relationships—and ultimately the individuals involved!

Forms of Dating

There are numerous wrong forms of dating today. In addition, the vast majority of people seeking marriage partners lack quality social organizations and places from which to draw potential partners, as well as recognized social institutions that can correctly teach them how to date. Many freely admit that the following popular, trendy forms of dating are not the right solutions—that they do not really work. Yet, singles and teens are left with no choice but to accept what is offered for those “looking for love.” Here are a few methods of choice:

Clubs: Perhaps one of the most common settings for young people today is meeting people through so-called “dance clubs.” This involves trying to find potential dates—or more often, one-night sex partners—in an atmosphere of loud, pulsating music mixed with drugs and alcohol.

The atmosphere in these establishments causes participants to lose all semblance of self-control. Typically, young women are scantily clad, and it is common and considered perfectly normal for men to grope and fondle their bodies at any time while “dancing.”

The dancing occurring in these settings is little less than an orgy set to music!

Further, the noise is so loud that audible conversations are practically impossible. Could anyone in such an environment, filled with alcohol and focused on the thrill of the moment, possibly employ sound reason and logic to make right dating choices? The clear answer is no! Rather, they are focused only on fulfilling sexual urges and desires!

The entire picture revolves around selfish lust and hoped-for instant gratification!

Astrology: Others “consult the stars” about dating. Lacking true knowledge, they seek their “romance forecast.” To do this, they go online to find out if they are truly compatible by taking five-minute quizzes that are supposed to solve all their dating confusion!

Online dating: This exploding trend involves a simple Internet search to select one or more of the many—seemingly endless—dating services that all claim to be able to “help find love.” Those looking for “a date, sex or a relationship” have “found the right place!” These sites profess to “bring passion and excitement to your life.”

The following statistics show that fast-growing numbers are caught up in this kind of dating: The “Personals/Dating” category surpassed both “Business/Investments” and “Entertainment/Lifestyles” on the Internet, and is one of the largest paid-content categories available. Revenue quadrupled from $72 million in 2001 to $302 million in 2002—just one year. Some websites see 10,000 registrants a day!

Advocates of this type of dating have gone so far as to say that online dating could actually fix what is wrong with marriages today. Astonishing!

This trend has turned dating into a “science” in which the person fills out a questionnaire often including hundreds of different questions. After a close analysis, couples are matched.

As a direct consequence, however, sex crimes have also dramatically increased. In Japan alone, sex crimes due to online dating nearly doubled between 2001 and 2002.

Needless to say, newspapers are filled with accounts reflecting the danger of meeting strangers through the anonymity of a computer or the classified ads, a similar type of dating.

Speed dating: Another recent trend is the practice of “speed dating.” This is billed as being able to “put an end to your lonely nights” because, apparently, it is seen as a more efficient way to increase your chances of finding “love.”

Simply described, it involves a group of people who sign up for the “speed event.” All gather and spend five minutes with each person in a continuing rotation. At the end of the evening, they choose whom they would like to date.

Only five minutes is the basis for their decision! Physical appearance obviously turns into the main consideration—and many are now beginning entire relationships like this. The rat race that continues all around us has even taken over dating, with singles now able to be “efficient,” rather than “wasting time” on getting to know one another through a gradual process.

A November 2003 USA Today cover story described the enormous shift in the way young adults date and select mates. Introduced with the statement “Courtship is out as today’s cupids shift to ‘speed’ dates, online connections and action plans,” the article described in detail the trends we are discussing. Notice:

“When it comes to finding that special someone, [name] waxes analytic: In 16 months, [he] sped through 2,500 three-minute HurryDates, at about $1.45 a date, not to mention 100 ‘real dates’ that lasted at least the length of a cup of coffee…

“[This man’s] method, though perhaps systematic to the extreme, illustrates what experts are calling the most significant shift in American dating culture since the mid-1960s. Back then, there existed something called courtship, in which couples came together with the help of college mixers, church socials and meddling parents, and were often engaged before their 21st birthdays.

“These days, twenty- and thirty-something singles who spent their post-college years focused on their careers instead of their love lives don’t have such matchmaking resources. Nor do they have the time to look for a mate the old-fashioned way—or wait for one to stumble into their lives.

“So they’re shunning the serendipitous, sweaty-palmed aspects of courtship and embracing efficiency in the form of ‘speed’ dating, on-line dating and 15-step dating action plans.

“Speed-dating events take singles through a series of three- to 10-minute mini-dates, often at bars. At the end of the night, suitors designate whom they’d like to see again, and if there’s a match, the wooing begins…

“Online personals have all but shed their stigma, evolving from a last resort to, as one Internet dater put it, a first line of defense.”

Obviously, dating in the 21st century has radically changed from just a few years ago—and the concept of courtship has become all but extinct.

Space does not permit the listing of all the wrong forms of dating that have resulted in what we see today. But realize that you have much to unlearn! Most of what you have learned and been conditioned to believe about dating is not correct! It is founded on wrong feelings of lust and selfishness! Accept that as fact!—and realize that looking to the all-powerful Creator for the correct way is the only path to long-term happiness!

Chapter Four –

ESTABLISHING THE RIGHT FOUNDATION

Every engineer and architect understands the importance of a building’s foundation. To construct a huge skyscraper in the middle of a city, experienced engineers would first examine the land, before planning, let alone laying, the foundation. The bigger the structure, the stronger the foundation required to support it. Miscalculation can lead to disaster. Therefore, every precaution is taken to make sure that it is built correctly. Otherwise, an enormous amount of effort and money would be spent in vain.

Why do billions of people seem unable to apply the same principle to their own lives, especially when so much is at stake? Marriage, in a sense, is the second biggest “building” in one’s life (next to salvation), yet few see the importance of laying a right foundation—or any foundation—under it. Sadly, no school of marital architecture or engineering is teaching how to do this.

Necessity of a Good Foundation

Jesus was a carpenter. This meant that He understood the importance of carefully laying a right foundation before starting a building’s actual construction. In Luke, using this analogy, He described the man who “…built a house, and digged deep, and laid the foundation on a rock: and when the flood arose, the stream beat vehemently upon that house, and could not shake it: for it was founded upon a rock.” He contrasted this with “…he that hears, and does not, is like a man that without a foundation built a house upon the earth [Matthew’s account says “sand”]; against which the stream did beat vehemently, and immediately it fell; and the ruin of that house was great” (6:48-49).

The world does not understand that proper dating and courtship form the rock-solid foundation that every marriage must stand on. Instead, most unconsciously build marriages on little more than emotional and psychological sand! When troubles come into marriages—as they invariably do—failure results because they are improperly anchored. So many couples are unnecessarily swept away by “floods” for which they were never prepared.

How many years are required to build a towering skyscraper? Including clearing the worksite, digging and pouring the foundation alone can often take many months, or even a year. Likewise, it takes much time and effort to build a successful, solid relationship. And this also does involve first clearing the “worksite”—unlearning all of the wrong knowledge upon which your understanding of selecting a mate is founded.

Most human beings live their lives guided by feelings, and many times by mere momentary impulse. Using their own logic and experience, countless couples do not realize that absolute destruction lies ahead. What “seems right” can lead to the “death” of a marriage (Prov. 14:12).

Another important aspect of this analogy is that the foundation is not often noticeable. When standing amid a neighborhood full of houses, foundations are not easily seen. In a city, the huge pillars that go deep in the ground under the skyscrapers are concealed. The same is true of dating, courtship and other areas of our lives. Often, we may not see the foundation, but it is critically important!

In the first stages of a relationship, when one is having a good time, all can seem wonderful. On the surface, a relationship founded on lust and infatuation is often hard to distinguish from one based on true biblical principles. Infatuation often comes disguised as true love, and few can—or will—see the difference. Nevertheless, the relationship built on infatuation is almost certain to collapse (and often so will some of the many lives directly connected to it), and usually very quickly, while the one built on true love will not.

Often, statements like, “They were so in love” or “I was there with them the evening they fell in love, and I knew it would be forever,” could be made by friends or family. But all those involved—participants and observers—were blind to the importance of a solid foundation.

Happy marriages do not come about by chance! Success requires much work and patience, and preparation must start before beginning to date. And the foundation of true marital success has several components.

Understanding the True God

There is no book in the Bible titled “How to Date, Court and Marry.” Nor are there specific chapters or verses with the words “date” or “court.” As a result, many professing Christians resort to their own beliefs and feelings on this matter. Yet, there are attributes of God, and very critical elements of His laws and principles, that must be understood to form a proper foundation in order to realize a happy and abundant life.

The world is ignorant of the true God and His laws. This is why so many ask themselves, “Who or what is God?” Because God is Spirit, and He must draw individuals to Christ (John 6:44, 65), it is actually impossible for humans to know the true God—or to grasp the laws that He put in place, which govern everything, including marriage—without Him calling them and revealing Himself to them.

You must be willing to absolutely prove the existence of the true God. This book is designed for those who will be able to understand the principles it contains, which are based upon what the God of the Bible teaches.

Scores of passages would be necessary to fully understand the true God of the Bible. However, for our purposes here, I John 4:8 states, “God is love.” Because God is also perfect, He has a perfect understanding of what constitutes love. Within His Master Plan is a supreme purpose for every human being.

God understood from Creation that it was “not good that the man should be alone.” Therefore, He created a wife for him (Gen. 2:18). Recall that He taught Adam and Eve His Law and explained how, if kept, this would bring wonderful happiness and joy to their lives.

The Give Way

The Bible teaches that there are two different, opposing ways of life. One is best described as the “give” way—the other as the way of “get.”

The give way is outgoing, outflowing concern for the needs, concerns and welfare of others. It is focused away from self! It is diametrically opposite in thinking from the get way, which is incoming, focused on self, with one’s own interests and needs at heart.

The Bible teaches that God has a “divine nature” (II Pet. 1:4). This nature is “natural” to God, but it is not natural for people. While His Way reflects the give way of life (Jms. 1:17), human beings practice the opposite. As simple as this sounds, your dating will reflect either the get or give way of life.

Though most will never admit it, they are almost totally preoccupied throughout their lives with getting, accumulating, satisfying, and focusing on the self. The average person views a date with one thing in mind, from the perspective of the number one person in his life—himself! One may not consciously admit this—or even be able to recognize it without God’s help—but it is true nevertheless. Influenced by your carnal nature, you will automatically—naturally—think selfishly, always putting your needs first.

Be determined from now on to ignore those selfish desires. Remember, God’s way is give. When approaching each aspect of dating and courting, keep this fundamental perspective in mind. You are here—you were born—to give to others. (Actually, when fully understood—and there is not enough space to cover more than the basics of it here—learning to give is the greatest goal in life!) In dating and courtship, this approach will benefit you in untold ways if you always keep it in the front of your mind.

Always ask yourself and be concerned with what kind of date you are giving, rather than what the other person is doing—whether you are getting from the other person what you expect, because you expect him or her to do the giving. And, in effect, this is what you are saying if you are focused on getting a good time.

God’s Way Simplified

Man has established millions of laws. Yet, he does not realize the awesome significance of God’s laws, embodied in the Ten Commandments. To most, these are merely considered to be ten Jewish principles of morality. Yet these commandments are far greater than that! God’s Law existed long before Moses received the stone tablets, given to Israel at Mt. Sinai.

God’s Law can be simplified into one word—love. The Ten Commandments are summarized as love toward God and love toward fellow human beings. The first four teach man how to love God. Notice: “You shall have no other gods before Me. You shall not make unto you any graven image…You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain…Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy” (Ex. 20:3-8). In Matthew 22, Christ summarized these four, saying, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and great commandment” (vs. 37-38).

The last six of the Ten Commandments instruct man how to love his fellow man. Notice these: “Honor your father and your mother…You shall not kill. You shall not commit adultery. You shall not steal. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. You shall not covet…” (Ex. 20:12-17).

God’s Law Magnified

The Ten Commandments form the only true foundation of every aspect of the right way to live—including how to form and maintain proper relationships. This Law existed before Moses—from the time of Creation. All ten were magnified in the New Testament and are still in effect today. As the same One who was the God of the Old Testament, Christ states that He “is the same yesterday, and today, and forever” (Heb. 13:8).

Jesus said, “Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am come not to destroy, but to fulfill” (Matt. 5:17). Christ knew that the commandments form the foundation on which all of God’s laws were built. As the God of the Old Testament, He inspired the prophecy in Isaiah 42:21: “The Lord is well pleased for His righteousness’ sake; He will magnify the law, and make it honorable.” (This prophecy was fulfilled at His First Coming.)

Christ referenced several of the Ten Commandments in the New Testament, in each case magnifying and strengthening them. Recall, for example, what He said concerning the Seventh Commandment, most important for our purpose here: “You have heard that it was said by them of old time, you shall not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart” (Matt. 5:27-28).

Violating the spirit of any of God’s Law is sin—and all sin is against God (Psa. 51:4). This is the perspective that one must take to understand correct dating and courtship. Your perspective should mirror God’s. Although the Bible does not tell us specifically how to approach every aspect of dating and courting, there are principles that must be applied to build a successful, long-lasting relationship. Everything you do in the course of dating and courtship should be based on give, continually asking if your conduct reflects both love toward God and love toward your neighbor.

Sin is the opposite of love, and this includes vanity. Competition, strife (arguments), greed, envy, jealousy, hatred and lust all stem from vanity. The briefest look reveals that relationships today are filled with these attitudes.

What is Sin?

The Bible teaches that you have at least one thing in common with every man, woman and child who has ever lived: “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God (Rom. 3:23). The Bible also says that when—not if—you sin, you automatically earn the penalty of death (Rom. 6:23).

But what is sin?—What is it that people do to earn death?

Many religious leaders teach that Christ died for our sins and that His shed blood cleanses us from sin. They preach about being set free from bondage to sin, while they preach about freedom from keeping God’s Law. Have you noticed that they never define what sin is—that they never challenge people to search their Bibles to see how God defines sin?

If they did, they would have to read I John 3:4, where John wrote, “Whosoever commits sin transgresses [breaks] also the law: for sin is the transgression [breaking] of the law.” When you sin, you break the law.

But what law? Paul wrote, “What shall we say then? Is the law sin? God forbid. Nay, I had not known sin, but by the law” (Rom. 7:7). God’s Law reveals sin.

Again, what law was Paul writing about? Notice: “…for I had not known lust, except the law had said, You shall not covet” (same verse). This is the Tenth Commandment, found in Exodus 20:17 and Deuteronomy 5:21. Paul and John were both clearly referring to the Ten Commandments. Both apostles taught that breaking this Law is sin.

John also wrote, in I John 5:17, “All unrighteousness is sin.” Since God’s commandments are righteousness (Psa. 119:172), then unrighteousness—sin—must be the opposite. Therefore, sin is the breaking of God’s commandments.

The apostle James expanded this principle when he taught, “Whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend [sin] in one point, he is guilty of all. For He that said, do not commit adultery, said also, do not kill. Now if you commit no adultery, yet if you kill, you are become a transgressor of the law [a lawbreaker]” (2:10-11). Of course, James was also referring to the Ten Commandments.

Consider. People may go through life without ever physically committing a murder or adultery, or stealing or lying. Nevertheless, all have sinned. How can this be? Because even when we obey the letter of the Law, we can break the spirit of the Law in our minds—and this is sin.

Sin always begins in the mind. Given enough time, what you think eventually becomes what you do (Prov. 23:7). Notice what Christ said: “But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart [mind]; and they defile the man. For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders [Sixth Commandment], adulteries [Seventh Commandment], fornications, thefts [Eighth Commandment], false witness [Ninth Commandment], blasphemies [Third Commandment]: These are the things which defile a man” (Matt. 15:18-20).

Also, James 1:14-15 demonstrates that wrong thoughts eventually produce wrong actions: “But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. Then when lust has conceived, it brings forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, brings forth death [the wages of sin].”

The typical singles scene in today’s society is a veritable study in temptation, lust and the sexual sins “conceived” as a result.

Lust Conceives Sin

Most never make the connection between thoughts and actions. The Bible records a tragic example of how lustful thoughts can lead to disaster. Even beginning Bible students are familiar with the account of King David’s adultery with Bathsheba. This story bears examination at this point to see how lust can conceive one sin, that leads to others, and results in death.

One spring evening, as David walked on the roof of his palace, he spotted a woman who was bathing (II Sam. 11:2). Instead of looking away, and putting her image out of his mind, he allowed himself to entertain wrong thoughts, and broke the Tenth Commandment—coveting another man’s wife.

These thoughts led him to inquire about the woman (vs. 3</